Stop Blaming Winning: It’s Not the Bad Guy in Youth Sports

Let’s talk about a trend that’s been creeping its way into youth sports conversations lately—and honestly, it needs to be called out. You’ve probably seen it on social media or heard it whispered in the bleachers: “Winning isn’t important.”Or worse, “Winning is toxic.”

Look, I get it. We’ve all seen the horror stories—overbearing parents yelling at refs, coaches playing favorites just to secure a win, kids crying on the sidelines after a loss. And yeah, that stuff is a problem. But let’s be clear about something:

Winning itself isn’t the bad guy.
It's the way adults behave around winning that deserves the heat.

In fact, when used the right way, winning can be one of the most powerful teaching tools in youth sports. It gives kids a target, a short-term goal, and a sense of achievement that reinforces the value of their effort. So let’s stop tossing winning into the villain pile and start having the real conversation—how we can model better behaviors around it.

Winning as a Learning Tool

There’s a big difference between playing to win and being win-at-all-costs. The former is healthy competition. The latter is when things start to spiral.

Kids need to have goals. They need to learn how to strive toward something, work hard for it, and feel the reward when they get there. That’s how confidence is built. According to a 2019 study by the Aspen Institute’s Project Play, 81% of kids said they play sports because “it’s fun”—but what’s often misunderstood is that “fun” for kids includes trying hard, competing, and improving. Winning can amplify that sense of fun when it's framed the right way.

In short, kids like winning—but not because they’re obsessed with the scoreboard. They like what it represents: progress, teamwork, and effort paying off.

Who’s Actually Making It Toxic?

It’s not the kids who turn winning into something ugly. It’s the adults. The parents who shame their child after a missed shot. The coach who benches a kid all season to protect their record. The opposing team’s dad who chirps at 11-year-olds after a close call.

Winning isn’t toxic. Bad behavior is.

If a coach can emphasize both development and competition, the team grows. If a parent celebrates hustle instead of just goals, their child feels supported win or lose. The toxicity doesn’t come from the outcome of the game—it comes from how the adults handle it.

Short-Term Goals Drive Long-Term Development

Here’s the thing: long-term development is the name of the game in youth sports. But how do you keep a 9-year-old invested in that long game? You give them short-term wins to chase.

Winning a game can be a great short-term motivator. It’s an opportunity to say, “Hey, we did that! Our teamwork and practice led to a real result.” That doesn’t mean you need to freak out every time the scoreboard doesn’t tip your way. But you also don’t need to act like the scoreboard doesn’t exist.

And here’s a stat that might surprise you: in a survey by the National Alliance for Youth Sports, 71% of kids quit sports by age 13, and one of the most common reasons? “It’s not fun anymore.”
If we strip away competition entirely, we risk making youth sports feel more like P.E. class than a team pursuit. And let’s be honest—there’s only so much excitement in doing wind sprints without the thrill of a game.

What We Should Be Teaching Around Winning

Instead of trying to eliminate the concept of winning, what we need to teach is how to win the right way.

Let’s break that down:

• Win with humility. If your team dominates, shake hands the same way you would after a loss. Celebrate your effort, not your superiority.

• Lose with grace. Learning how to handle disappointment without making excuses is one of the best lessons sports can offer.

• Compete with integrity. Don’t game the system or take shortcuts just to win. Kids will remember how you made them feel and what you taught them about fairness.

• Celebrate effort as much as outcome. If a player gave it their all, call that out—even if the score didn’t go your way.

If coaches and parents emphasize these values while still caring about the scoreboard, we create balanced athletes who are motivated, coachable, and resilient.

Winning Reveals, It Doesn’t Create

Here’s a key point for coaches especially: winning doesn’t create character—it reveals it. How a team handles a win or a loss can tell you a lot about the culture you’ve built.

If your players start pointing fingers after a tough game, that’s a sign something in your messaging or accountability system is off. If they celebrate like professionals after a victory—cheering each other on instead of dancing on the other team’s grave—that’s gold.

Use wins and losses as checkpoints, not final destinations. They’re moments to reflect, reset, and reinforce your core values.